Let’s not sugarcoat it, dating can be frustrating.
Especially when you keep finding people who say they’re ready but act like they’re not even in the same relationship.
If you’re wondering why your connections keep fizzling or leaving you emotionally depleted, you might be dealing with someone emotionally unavailable.
Emotional unavailability is the inability or unwillingness to form an emotionally reciprocal connection.
Let me walk you through seven signs I see over and over in my work. And yes, in my own dating history too.
1. They avoid vulnerable conversations
They might be fine talking about work, hobbies, or even past relationships. But as soon as the conversation turns personal like answering questions about “What are you feeling? How did that affect you?” they check out.
Avoidance of emotional vulnerability is one of the strongest indicators of emotional unavailability.
They’re okay with stories, not with feelings and especially not yours.
2. They keep things vague or “casual”
If you hear a lot of:
- “Let’s not label it”
- “I’m just going with the flow”
- “Let’s not ruin a good thing by overthinking it”
That’s not chill. That’s emotional avoidance with a trendy twist.
People who are emotionally available are clear, even if they’re scared. They make room for conversation instead of dodging it.
3. They are inconsistent in communication or presence
One day it’s good morning texts and deep talks. The next, radio silence.
Inconsistency in availability wether it is emotional or logistical is not romantic mystery.
It’s a sign that someone does not have the internal resources or willingness to engage consistently. And that rollercoaster feeling you have? That’s your nervous system trying to warn you.
4. They share a lot but take no responsibility
This one’s tricky.
They might talk at length about their exes, trauma, or childhood. But when it comes to taking ownership for patterns or behavior, they deflect.
They may say:
- “All my exes were crazy”
- “People always let me down”
- “I guess I’m just not the emotional type”
Emotional sharing without self-awareness is like a firework show with no substance.
It’s dramatic, but it doesn’t lead to intimacy.
5. You feel like your emotions are “too much”
This is one of the most damaging dynamics I see.
You try to share how something made you feel, and instead of being heard, you’re told you’re:
- Too sensitive
- Too needy
- Overreacting
Over time, this leads to self-doubt and emotional shutdown.
If someone consistently invalidates your feelings, they are not emotionally available to support you.
6. They get defensive or disappear when you express needs
Even healthy partners make mistakes. But emotionally available people stay in the conversation.
Unavailable people often:
- Shut down
- Blame you
- Refuse to engage
- Weaponize silence
If you feel like every attempt to connect leads to conflict or retreat, you’re not being met emotionally.
7. You feel like you’re the only one trying
You initiate the talks. You plan the dates. You work through the problems.
They… show up sometimes.
A relationship should not feel like a performance where you’re both the cast and the crew.
If the emotional labor is one-sided, that’s a sign the connection isn’t mutual.
Final thoughts: You deserve emotional reciprocity
If you’ve seen yourself in this list, you’re not broken.
You’ve just been trying to build intimacy with someone who can’t meet you there.
And trust me, I’ve been there too. Repeating the same painful pattern, thinking this time will be different. But it doesn’t change until you choose different.
Emotional availability is not about perfection. It’s about presence, openness, and accountability.
And it’s the bare minimum for a relationship that heals you instead of hurting you.
📥 Wondering if you’re stuck in a pattern?
Grab my free guide: The Four Key Needs for a Successful Relationship and learn how to recognize the signs and shift toward healthy connection.