Let’s talk about the pattern you’re tired of repeating.
You meet someone, feel that spark, and start to hope maybe this time it’s different.
But soon enough, the connection fades, the texts slow down, or you realize you’re giving way more than you’re getting.
Sound familiar?
You’re not alone—and you’re not broken.
You’re likely caught in a dynamic I’ve seen over and over in my work as a relationship coach.
Let’s unpack why emotionally unavailable partners feel so familiar, and why you keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners.
You’re repeating what once felt normal
Emotional patterns don’t come out of nowhere.
If you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs weren’t seen, heard, or validated, you learned early that connection might mean working harder or staying quiet.
Now, as an adult, that emotional blueprint can drive your choices.
You unconsciously seek out what feels familiar, not necessarily what’s healthy.
Your nervous system confuses intensity with intimacy
This one’s personal for me.
When I was younger, I thought butterflies, drama, and anxiety were signs of passion. But what I didn’t realize was that intensity often masks emotional unavailability.
When someone is hot and cold, you get hooked on trying to win their attention. That rollercoaster creates chemical highs—and emotional crashes.
Real intimacy feels calm. Steady. Safe.
It doesn’t spike your anxiety. It regulates it.
Your attachment style is doing the driving
Here’s the most common pairing I see in my office:
- You have an anxious attachment style, and you crave closeness and fear rejection.
- You attract avoidantly attached partners, and they value independence and pull away when things get too intimate.
The result?
You pursue. They withdraw. You blame yourself. They keep their distance.
It’s not love; it’s a loop.
To break the pattern, you have to notice it when it starts and make a conscious decision to stop chasing someone who can’t meet you halfway.
You mistake emotional expression for emotional availability
A partner tells you about their childhood trauma. They cry. They’re “deep.”
But when you bring up your feelings, they shut down or lash out.
Emotional availability isn’t just sharing, it’s how someone responds to your vulnerability.
If they can’t hold space for your emotions, they aren’t available no matter how open they seem about their own pain.
You haven’t yet internalized that you deserve more
And I say this with love:
You might still believe, deep down, that love has to be earned. That your needs are a burden. That you have to prove you’re worthy.
Emotionally unavailable partners confirm that belief. And part of you might cling to them, hoping that this time your love will be enough to change them.
But it won’t. And it never has.
You don’t need to earn availability. You need to expect it.
Because what you tolerate becomes what you attract.
Final thoughts: You can stop choosing unavailable partners
You can’t control someone else’s readiness. But you can absolutely control your response.
You can:
- Learn the signs earlier
- Say no faster
- Choose yourself first
- Stop mistaking anxiety for chemistry
- Develop your own emotional availability so you can attract a secure connection
This isn’t about blame, it’s about freedom.
And I’m here to tell you: You can choose something better.
🧠 Ready to break the cycle?
My workshop, Stop Choosing Emotionally Unavailable Partners, walks you through exactly how to shift your patterns, step by step.
👉 Learn more and experience one of my on demand workshops → https://christinekniffen.com/online-workshops/